nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
