It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
