you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
40s are totally the cure
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
