Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
