I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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