No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
