She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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