Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
