Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
