I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
