dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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