The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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