dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
