i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
