I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
