Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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