I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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