I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
