we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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