took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
