Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
