just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
