Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
