sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
