Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
