Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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