YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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