but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
