oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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