I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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