I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
