I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
