Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
