TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
