idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
