And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
