New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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