they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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