you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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