haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
