I never want to see another naked old woman again.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
