I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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