Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
