I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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