My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
