WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
