When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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