after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
