That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
