I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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